1st July 2015
The whole reason I started my blog is because when I write stuff in a public manner, it feels like I’m telling someone and it helps me express myself, which acts as a huge relief. Whether a thousand people read it or nobody reads it, my blog is my outlet.
Over the past few months I have tried to change myself for the better, but due to the stresses of Uni and life, I haven’t really done much, my anxiety has hit a whole new level and two nights ago, I just felt like nothing I do is good enough. Whether it be my art, blog, youtube, school or just life in general, I am mediocre. I have high standards for myself and I am not meeting them.
So after having a cry and working out a plan, I am sitting in Starbucks (this is the first ever time I’ve tried it!) writing this post about my plan, and to anyone who has hit that point in their lives where they fear the future and don’t know what they are doing.
I’ll start by explaining my situation (apologies in advance if this is a long post). My whole life I have strived to be the best at anything I do. Art was my biggest passion and I was very scholastic. If anyone did better than me, I would get very jealous and strive to beat them (the competitive trait I get from being a Leo is unbelievable, and is one of my biggest flaws). That sounds really horrible. In my last year of high school, everybody started pulling out good grades to get good final scores (ATAR scores are the Aussie finals) and suddenly, I was mediocre. Moving on to University didn’t help this situation. I didn’t know anything like these other kids. I am doing a Visual Arts course and I honestly feel like I am the least talented in my course when it comes to painting.
I had always wanted to go to University but I want to be a Tattoo Artist, so Uni wasn’t a necessity for that. So many people I knew were leaving Uni in the first year because they realised what they were studying wasn’t what they wanted to do. I did not have a great experience so far and I wanted to leave. I was told to stick it out. Uni took up most of my time during the semester (I have very poor time management skills) so working on my portfolio for a tattoo apprenticeship was basically at a stand still. This year is my final year and it took everything not to leave. I hated Uni, I wanted to drop it but all I was told was “it’s a lot of money to be in debt for something you don’t pass” and “you only have one more year”. I’m a month and a half away from turning 21 and I feel like I’ve done nothing towards my dreams.
Uni did get a bit better this year and I have a decent school/work/career plan but still feel mediocre. I have started questioning tattooing as I’m not really in love with art at the moment and ultimately all I want to do is write this blog (and just in general) but I don’t know if it’s good enough even though it’s just starting or if it will ever amount to anything. Like I said, it doesn’t matter if no one reads it, but I would like them to. I still want to be a tattooist, but I am lacking motivation and inspiration.
My meltdown the other night was the turning point, I’ve decided. I want to improve my diet and wellbeing (doesn’t that sound like the average New Year’s resolution). I would like to reach 100 followers on my blog, and100 views average on my Youtube videos. I would like to take more control and be proud of myself and ultimately, I would like to be happy.
So what is my plan? This semester at Uni, I only have two days of school, so I will spend those two days keeping ahead and on top of everything (I’m actually going to write a post on my organisation experiment). I am going to try and work most nights so I can get some savings going (and also try to budget). I am going to dedicate one or two days purely to filming, writing, editing and uploading; and over the week I am going to improve my art to my standards and beyond, as well as myself.
I do not expect things to be easy, but hopefully I can make them better and I can stop stressing about the future so much. All I know is that I want to be happy and I will be.
If you’re still reading, thank you, it honestly means the world. I will hopefully be doing posts about my road to improvement, so stay tuned. I love you all, and I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life.