What I’ve come to realise…

This post isn’t necessarily meant to be read by anyone, it’s more my personal musings about the current events of my life. However, the reason I am sharing it with you all is because perhaps some of my realisations will help somebody else. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place.

Over a year ago, I told my boyfriend at the time I wanted to create a blog. I had so many ideas for things that would be better written than spoken in a YouTube video. A year ago, I was in the middle of my mid-year assessments for university, so he researched blog platforms, created a wordpress account for me, and designed me a webpage – called tiniewords. Though I have not been overly active on here during the year since my first post – June 15th – I still felt that this blog was a great outlet, and hopefully one day, my thoughts could possibly help someone else.

Two months ago, I was really unhappy. I didn’t realise just how unhappy I was until I moved. I moved to a whole different country, though I do have a lot of family over here, I started out feeling very isolated. It wasn’t my idea to come, I was originally only going to be here until July, then decide where to go, but a friend decided she was going to move here in August, so it seemed I would be here longer. I left my family, the person I wanted to be with more than anything, my home, my friends, my job, and my cat (he is important, because he was always there when I was upset). It has honestly been the hardest thing I have ever done. I let my depression and anxiety really hit me. I was lonely, isolated, and really had a hard time.

I don’t know when the change started. But I started to realise just how unhappy I had been. I realised how much I had dumped this feeling onto the person I loved the most, and why he thought sending me here was the best thing for me.

One of the main reasons I used to get anxious was when I didn’t know where my life was headed. I’ve always been the person who had a whole plan for life, but now it had changed. I always thought the thing to do was at least be engaged at like 24, have all the children I was going to have by 30, but I now realise how silly this was. My best friend calls this small-town-mentality, as this may be the case for the small town we grew up in, but now it just seems silly. I don’t need to have my life figured out by the age of 22. I’m just about to finish university, got a job at another burger joint, and still have no savings towards the apprenticeship I want. But this is okay.

Your twenties are supposed to be about figuring out where you are going. It’s the time to travel and see the world if you wish. About trying out different careers, going out with friends, love, heartbreak, and loss. You do not need to have your life mapped out in front of you. I don’t need it mapped out in front of me anymore. To those people who are my age or in their twenties and have their lives planned, I’m not saying thats the wrong thing to do, it’s just the wrong thing for me.

If you want things to happen, then go out and make them happen.It’s not always going to fall into your lap. You have to keep fighting for the things that you want, and truthfully, I didn’t do that. I thought I was, but I was wrong. I would get upset about not being where I wanted to be, and that is entirely my fault.

I am truly sorry to the people I put my negativity on before I left, that was really selfish of me. I wasn’t there for the person who was always there for me when they needed me most, and I’m sorry.

Thank-you to my closest friend for always supporting me. For making me this outlet, for sending me here, and for helping me in the best way possible. It is impossible to tell you just how much you helped me in life, and I am truly a better person thanks to you (I don’t even know if you will ever read this, maybe you won’t, but anyhow.)

My plan for now is this. I have truly committed myself to my artworks (I may post about my artwork here if anyone is interested). I am working really hard to get myself to where I want to be in my art, and in my self. I want to see everything, see the world. So now, I will actually save money to do so, instead of always talking about it. I still have rough days where I have zero motivation to get out of bed, where all I want to do is cry about things, but most of the time, I am able to make myself get out of bed, go for a run, or draw. It’s okay to have off days, but it’s no longer okay to let them win. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, if I’ll finally have an apprenticeship, if I will have moved again, but no matter where I will be, I am excited about the future, excited to find myself, and excited to experience life.

Chelsea xx

Thank-you if you actually read all my rambling. This post was not planned in anyway, it literally came into my head whilst reading Papertowns for the 107th time, so I just started writing. I hope this helped someone, if not then oh-well.

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